


Where I Belong

by GinnyK



Category: The West Wing
Genre: Episode Tag, Episode: s05e08 Shutdown, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-04
Updated: 2018-07-04
Packaged: 2019-05-31 04:16:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,927
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15111638
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GinnyK/pseuds/GinnyK
Summary: J/D Post Ep toShutdown





	Where I Belong

**Author's Note:**

> A copy of this work was once archived at National Library, a part of the [ West Wing Fanfiction Central](https://fanlore.org/wiki/West_Wing_Fanfiction_Central), a West Wing fanfiction archive. More information about the Open Doors approved archive move can be found in the [announcement post](http://archiveofourown.org/admin_posts/8325).

Half an hour ago we got word about the budget. 

I should be happy; I should be celebrating. Instead I'm sitting in my office, feet on the window sill. I sit in the dark, waiting for someone to notice I'm not in on the celebration that's going on in the Roosevelt Room. Well, actually I'm not waiting for just anyone to notice I'm missing; I'm waiting for Leo to notice I'm missing. 

And I think I'll be waiting until hell freezes over, pigs fly and...and I'm too tired to come up with another good one. 

"Josh?" Donna calls softly from the doorway. Even in the reflection of the window I can tell she's got her worried face on. 

Well, at least someone noticed I was missing. I'm sure she noticed the minute the party started but she knew I needed some time to myself. 

Apparently my time is up. 

"Hey," I mutter as I pull my feet off the window sill and turn around. "They still in there?" I ask, cocking my head in the general direction of the party. 

"Yeah. Come on, stop brooding and join the party." 

"You have an engraved invitation?" I snort as I wearily drop my head to the desk. 

"No," she answers sadly as she sits down next to my head. I glance up at her for a second and go back to staring at the dark oak of my desk. Her hand drops to the back of my head and she runs her fingers through my hair. I sit up a minute later, knowing that if we stay this way, I'm going to lose it, again. 

"I'll go for a minute. Show my face, make up some excuse and leave. You coming with me?" 

"If you want me to." 

"I do." 

And how many times have I dreamt about saying those two words to Donna? 

She leads me into the party, basically shoving me through the doorway when we get there. We mingle for a while. Leo stays on the other side of the room but manages to shoot me more than a few annoyed looks. Finally, just as I'm about to make my exit, he comes over. 

"Josh," he mutters, not saying anything more. 

"Leo," I mutter back, echoing his general tone. 

"The President looks forward to seeing you at staff tomorrow morning." 

His words and tone just confirm what I've suspected for most of the afternoon. The idea to bring me back into the loop wasn't his, it was the President's. Actually from what Donna said this afternoon it was only the President's order, it was Mrs. Bartlet's idea. 

"Yeah, I'll be there," I mutter. Leo's looking pretty uncomfortable right now, not that I really care. "So, I'm going to get out of here. Still not feeling great and I want to get some sleep," I blurt, giving him the "out" he doesn't deserve. 

"Good...good. Uh, see you tomorrow," Leo mumbles as he's already heading across the room to talk to Angela. Donna's catches my eye, bids farewell to Toby and meets me by the door. 

"So, want to go to "our" place?" she asks as she hands me my bag and grabs her coat. I take it from her and hold it out so she can slip it on. 

"Nah, not in the mood to visit Abe. How about the other end of the Mall?" 

Donna stares for a few seconds. She knows I usually want to go to the Lincoln Memorial when I'm brooding. "Only if you promise there won't be any yelling." 

"Promise," I say with a grin as I cross my heart. 

We hop on the Metro, make a quick stop at Starbucks and settle down by the Reflecting Pool for a few minutes. We stare at the massive building, bathed in the moonlight. There's really nothing like it. I glance at Donna and she has this goofy grin on her face. The same one I get when we visit the Lincoln Memorial. "You want to go sit on the steps?" she asks as she reaches into her coat pocket, looking for change. She tosses a few coins in the pool and hands me a penny. Usually when I toss a penny my wish has to do with Donna. 

But tonight I wish for something else. 

"Come on," Donna says as she tugs on my coat sleeve. I want nothing more than to take her hand as we head for the steps but I know that is not a good idea. While it's not crowded here this time of night we are by no means the only people around. We settle halfway up the flight of stairs, looking out towards the Washington Monument. "So this is where it all started?" she asks, baiting me to retell the story of how Leo and I talked on these very steps so many years ago. How he talked me into going to Nashua to hear Jed Bartlet speak. 

"Something like that," I mutter not taking the bait. 

"Josh, you love to tell that story." 

"Maybe we shouldn't have come here." 

"Josh, what's wrong?" she asks, nudging me with her shoulder. Now I'm pretty sure she knows what is wrong but wants me to be the one to say it. 

"Things are still..." 

"Where I Belong?" she guesses correctly. 

"Sort of. I mean, we're ok, I think we're balanced but...but..." 

"Leo?" she asks as she pats my shoulder. 

"Yeah. It wasn't his idea. It was barely the President's idea." 

"Yeah, you can give credit for the idea to the Sisterhood," she smirks. 

"I just don't know if we'll ever get back to normal," I whine as I get up to pace. Donna lets me walk around for a few minutes. I'm gathering my thoughts and she knows it. Five minutes later she's motioning for me to sit back down. "For as long as I can remember Leo has always been a part of my life. I am...was...closer to him than my uncles. In fact Joanie and I called him Uncle Leo when we were little. I only stopped when I went away to college. He's always been there for me, when Joanie died, when Dad died, when I was shot and for a million other happy occasions over the years. And now, I don't know if it will ever be the same. I don't know if I can trust him again." 

"Josh, I'm going to say something and I don't know how it's going to come out. So bear with me." I nod for her to continue. "You screwed up, there's no denying that. And Leo came down harder on you than he should have. He went about things the wrong way. He should have told you about Angela. But I think he sees things this way...the two of you are close, the rest of the staff and the President know that. So when he punishes you he sometimes goes a little overboard. I guess, trying not to act like he's playing favorites. Trying not to let you off easy. This time he just went crazy." 

"I can't believe you're defending him," I snort as I try to stand up again. Donna's hand on my shoulder prevents me from doing so. "We're you just yelling at him a few days ago?" 

"Yes. Yes, I was yelling at him. But I'm trying to understand what he did." 

"Why? You're supposed to be on my side," I say. I know I'm whining but I don't care. 

"Josh, I am on your side," she says as she tentatively reaches for my hand. I consider pulling away but I don't want Donna pissed at me too. I'm a little short on friends at the moment. "You and Leo will work through this." 

"He doesn't even want me around the office. You think he's going to ask me out to lunch to chat?" Again with the whining. 

"Well, if Margaret and I have to lock the two of you in a room until you work things out, then that's what we'll do." 

"Power of the Sisterhood?" 

"Something like that." 

"I just want to be happy again. I want things to be normal...balanced. I want to know I can walk into Leo's office without being reamed out," I yell. Looking around I make sure I haven't drawn attention to myself. A picture of me yelling on the steps of the Capitol is not what I need right now. "It's not just about Leo." 

"I know it's not," Donna whispers as she rubs my back. "Try to put it into words," she coaxes gently. 

"I just want...I want...." 

"Want what Josh?" she pushes, knowing if she doesn't I'll just brood in silence. 

"I want to feel normal. I was to feel confident. I want to be able to hold my head high when I walk into a room. I want people to stop staring. I want people to stop looking to make sure the windows in my office are still intact. I want to be able to look you in the eye and not want to cry. I want to be able to walk into the Oval Office and feel like I belong. I want to go back to the day of my birthday and just not get out of bed," I lean over with my head in my hands as Donna continues to rub my back. "I can't do this anymore," I whisper, regretting that comment instantly. 

"Josh, I will help you in any way I can. You know that. But you need more help than I can give. Tomorrow morning you need to make an appointment with the doctor. Your medication might need to be adjusted and even if it doesn't, you need to talk to someone more qualified than me," Donna says. I know she's choosing her words carefully as not to make me even more upset...if that's even possible right now. The only reason I am not bawling like a two year old is the fact that I'm sitting on the steps of the United States Capitol. 

"OK," I mutter. Donna presses a quick kiss to my cheek and stands up. 

"Come on. You need something to eat and some sleep. How's your stomach been?" she asks, ever the guardian of my well-being, physical and emotional. 

"A little better, I guess. Haven't thrown up in a day and a half." 

"Well, I suppose that's something. What do you want for dinner?" 

"Scrambled eggs and toast. And since I'm out of eggs and bread I guess I'll have to go out. Wanna come with me?" 

"Sure." 

We walk down the steps slowly. I stop near the spot where Leo and I talked years ago. "Is this the exact spot?" teases Donna. 

"Close enough I guess," I mutter as turn to look back up at the Capitol. Like most of the monuments there this special quality about it, especially at night. It's almost magical. And for a minute I feel almost normal. Maybe the feeling will last more than I few minutes and I can relax tonight. 

We head across the Mall towards the Metro station. I stop in the middle of the grassy area and stare at the Washington Monument. Donna indulges my strange behavior as I slowly turn around, taking in sight of everything bathed in the moonlit, the monuments, the museums, my adorable assistant. 

This is my city and it's absolutely beautiful. 

And more importantly....it's where I belong. 

THE END 


End file.
